"I Wonder Why…" — Shifting from Punishment to Connection in Parenting

As parents, it's natural to feel overwhelmed when our child's behavior becomes difficult. The yelling, the defiance, the meltdowns — they can feel personal, exhausting, and at times, infuriating. It’s easy to default to punishments, to take away privileges, or to issue consequences in the heat of the moment.

But here’s something I often invite parents to consider in therapy:

“What if your child isn’t giving you a hard time… but is actually having a hard time?”

Children — even older ones — are not yet experts in emotional regulation, and they certainly don’t always have the words to express what’s going on inside. Their behaviour is their communication. And behind every challenging moment is an unmet need, a big feeling, or a skill they’re still learning.

From Control to Curiosity

Instead of reacting with punishment, try pausing to ask:

"I wonder why they're behaving this way."
"I wonder what they might be feeling underneath the surface."
"I wonder what they need right now — connection, reassurance, safety?"

This small shift from control to curiosity opens the door to deeper understanding — and more meaningful parenting.

Why Taking Away Their Outlets Can Backfire

When our kids are acting out, we often feel pressured to “do something” to correct the behaviour. That “something” is often punishment — and usually involves removing the very things that help them cope:

Time with friends
Sport or dance practice
Gaming, art, music
Time outside

But here’s the truth: our children need those outlets. They need physical activity to release stress and tension. They need creative space to express what they can’t always say. They need social connection to feel like they belong. And they need us — not to shut the door, but to open it wider.

Rather than removing what helps them regulate, we can ask:

“What’s really going on for my child right now?”
“How can I support them through this, not just control it?”
“What do they need to feel safe, heard, and understood?”

Connection Isn’t Coddling

Responding with empathy doesn’t mean there are no boundaries.

It means we set boundaries with connection, not instead of it.

It means consequences are thoughtful and constructive — not reactive and shame-based.

For example: Instead of saying, “You’ve lost rugby this week because of how you acted,” you might say, “I can see something is really bothering you — let’s talk after practice so I can understand what’s going on.”

That conversation — that safe space — is where change begins.

When You Feel Triggered

Parenting with connection isn’t about perfection. You will lose your cool. You will yell. You will want to take the iPad, the uniform, or the car keys and toss them out the window. That’s normal.

The goal isn’t to never react — it’s to reflect, repair, and try again.

When you feel overwhelmed, pause and ask yourself:

“What am I feeling right now?”
“What is this moment really about for me?”
“How can I ground myself before I respond?”

Your own emotional awareness matters just as much as your child’s.

Final Thoughts

At the heart of parenting is a relationship — not a power dynamic.

Children need guidance, yes — but more than anything, they need safety, connection, and someone who will keep showing up with love, even in the messy moments.

So next time your child lashes out, shuts down, or pushes your buttons, try leading with these three words: “I wonder why…”

You might be surprised at what you discover — about them, and about yourself.