Coercive control is an insidious form of abuse that can be hard to recognise but deeply damaging. Unlike physical violence, it involves a pattern of behaviours meant to manipulate, intimidate, and dominate a person over time. This form of abuse is often present in intimate relationships but can also occur in family or professional settings. The purpose is not just to control the individual’s actions but to erode their sense of self, freedom, and autonomy.
What is Coercive Control?
Coercive control manifests in various ways, often making the individual feel isolated, helpless, or constantly monitored. Some common examples include:
Isolation from Support Systems: The abuser may forbid or heavily restrict contact with family and friends, saying things like, "Your friends don’t care about you" or "I’m the only one who truly understands you." Over time, the individual may stop reaching out to others out of fear of upsetting their partner or because they believe they don’t have anyone else.
Monitoring and Surveillance: Constant checking of phone calls, texts, or social media accounts is another form of control. The abuser might say, "I need to see your phone to make sure you’re not talking to people behind my back." They may also track the individual ‘s whereabouts or install apps to monitor their movements.
Emotional Manipulation and Gaslighting: An abuser may repeatedly tell the individual that they are overreacting, confused, or imagining things, a tactic known as gaslighting. For instance, if the individual expresses discomfort with a situation, the abuser may respond, "You’re just being paranoid. I never said that" making the individual doubt their own memory and feelings.
Financial Control: The abuser may restrict access to money, give the individual an "allowance," or sabotage their ability to work. For example, an abuser might say, "You don’t need a job. I’ll take care of the bills," but then refuse to provide enough financial support, leaving the individual dependent and powerless.
Threats and Intimidation: The abuser may use threats of violence, legal action, or harming loved ones to maintain control. They might say, "If you ever leave, I’ll take the kids, and you’ll never see them again" or "I’ll ruin your life if you try to escape."
These behaviours aim to break down the individual’s sense of autonomy, leaving them feeling trapped, confused, and dependent on the abuser.
The Impacts of Coercive Control
The effects of coercive control are far-reaching, affecting a person’s emotional, psychological, and even physical well-being. Some of the most common impacts include:
Chronic Stress and Anxiety: The constant pressure of being monitored or manipulated leads to chronic stress. Individuals may feel like they are walking on eggshells, always trying to avoid upsetting their abuser. This heightened state of stress can result in anxiety disorders, panic attacks, or even physical symptoms like headaches or digestive problems.
Low Self-Esteem and Depression: individuals of coercive control often start to believe the negative things the abuser says about them, leading to feelings of worthlessness, guilt, or shame. Over time, this can result in depression, where the individual feels hopeless and powerless to change their situation.
Loss of Independence: By restricting access to money, transportation, or employment, the abuser makes the individual dependent. This leads to a sense of helplessness, making it harder for the victim to leave the relationship, as they may believe they cannot survive without the abuser’s "support."
Confusion and Self-Doubt: Gaslighting tactics make individual’s question their own reality, which can leave them feeling confused or like they are "going crazy." This erodes their ability to trust their instincts, making it even more difficult to recognise the abuse and seek help.
Physical Health Issues: The stress and anxiety from coercive control can take a physical toll. individuals might develop sleep problems, weakened immune systems, or even chronic conditions like high blood pressure due to the ongoing stress.
How Counselling Can Help
Counselling can be a lifeline for those trapped in a coercively controlling relationship. It offers a safe, non-judgmental space where individuals can begin to understand their situation and rebuild their sense of self.
Validating the Experience
Coercive control often leaves individuals doubting their own perceptions. In therapy, individuals can share their stories and receive validation. A counsellor helps them understand that what they are experiencing is real, harmful, and not their fault. For example, a client may say, "I’m not sure if it’s really abuse. He never hits me." The counsellor can help them recognise the signs of emotional manipulation and control, emphasising that abuse is not limited to physical violence.
One of the primary goals of counselling is to help individuals regain a sense of control over their lives. Counsellors work with clients to identify their own needs, wants, and values, which may have been suppressed or ignored in the abusive relationship. Techniques like setting small, manageable goals can help individuals reclaim their independence.
For instance, a counsellor might work with a client to gradually re-establish contact with supportive friends or family, despite the fear instilled by the abuser. This can start with something as simple as sending a text to a friend, gradually rebuilding the client’s support network.
Rebuilding Self-Esteem
Many individuals of coercive control struggle with low self-worth after enduring constant criticism and manipulation. Counsellors often use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to challenge the negative beliefs instilled by the abuser. For example, an individual may believe, "I’m not good enough without them." CBT helps clients reframe such thoughts, learning to replace them with empowering statements like, "I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness."
Trauma Recovery
The trauma of coercive control runs deep, impacting the body’s nervous system. Counsellors trained in trauma-focused approaches help clients process their experiences and navigate the lasting emotional pain. Techniques like trauma-informed CBT or somatic therapies help individuals regulate their nervous system, calm the fight-or-flight response, and heal from the trauma.
For example, survivors may learn grounding techniques to calm their nervous system when they feel triggered or overwhelmed. A counsellor might guide a client through mindfulness exercises to help them reconnect with their body and emotions after years of being told their feelings were invalid.
Developing a Safety Plan
Leaving a coercively controlling relationship can be dangerous, as abusers often escalate their behaviour when they feel they are losing control. Counselling provides individuals with resources and support to develop a safety plan, which might include identifying safe places to go, having emergency contacts ready, and knowing how to access legal or financial help.
Rebuilding Healthy Relationships
After enduring coercive control, individuals may struggle to trust others or set boundaries. Counselling can help them relearn what healthy, supportive relationships look like. Through role-playing exercises or boundary-setting techniques, survivors can practice assertiveness and communication skills in a safe environment.
Conclusion
Coercive control is a deeply harmful form of abuse that leaves lasting scars on a person’s mental and emotional health. However, with the right support, individuals can break free, regain control of their lives, and heal. Counselling plays a crucial role in this recovery process, offering a path to validation, empowerment, and emotional resilience.
Remember, no one deserves to feel trapped, isolated, or powerless in their relationships. If any of this resonates with you, know that you are not alone, and there is a way out. Reaching out for support is a courageous first step towards reclaiming your life and healing from the pain of coercive control. You deserve a future filled with freedom, respect, and self-empowerment. Take that step—help is here when you’re ready.
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